The Maine Vote: An Obituary for Fairness
The result of November 3rd’s Maine vote on supporting an effort to provide marriage rights to same gender couples wounds me deeply. As a Mainer, I had high hopes that the people who taught me the values by which I live would live into those values. Sadly, corporate politics, fear, and hate-mongering have won out over fairness.
That deeply saddens me from many places.
The first is the simple, painful reminder that patriarchy has not yet died.
In the midst of this debate, the Roman Catholic Church has been actively campaigning for the repeal of this law by fund-raising from “second collections” in its primary worship services and showing DVDs in those same services clearly intended to sway the vote against gay marriage. Rather than a clear separation of Church and State, the Roman Church (as well as many other radically conservative Churches) has used its power to become deeply involved in influencing political outcomes. It does so by using its patriarchal power to essentially order its members to vote and support a vote against a fairer marriage law. Since the Church mediates the grace by which one’s relationship with their God is secured, do as you are told, or there will be eternal consequences. Patriarchal and paternalistic, and sadly, very effective for many. This behavior is an outrage deserving of the rescinding of their tax-exempt status, as Churches and other religious communities are specifically limited from participating in the political process.
The patriarchy may be in its death throes culturally, but it certainly isn't in Maine.
Beyond that, much money and organizational effort came from other states, just as happened in California, to sway the vote in Maine. The patriarchy again focuses its dark power. Rather than letting people decide for themselves what is best for themselves, interest groups have stepped in with lies and deceit such as, “This will lead to teaching about homosexuality in our schools.” The Attorney General of Maine, Janet Mills, stated clearly to the public several weeks ago that this vote would have absolutely no impact on curriculum placed before the children. It would undoubtedly have affected how same gender marriages were represented in the classroom—at least that was my hope. But no formal curriculum would have been altered to teach the topic. Nonetheless, the patriarchal strength of fear and separation (we don’t want “their kind” to get a toe-hold in “our state”) resonated loudly enough to bring forth this sad vote. That is undeniably the voice of patriarchy teaching that if someone is different from us, if some experience is different from our own, there is obvious danger. Patriarchy cannot tolerate differences.
Beyond the power of the patriarchal presence, however, I am even more deeply saddened by the many, many families that this unfair vote impacts. Many of the stories that were told in this campaign were either directly about or represented closely my own friends. I know people who worked long and hard to protect what the Legislature and the Governor courageously put in place, and I know many who would have finally benefitted from the law as it stood. One couple, dear friends of mine, has been together for over 35 years, and has been waiting for the chance to finally protect one another with benefits as they age. That opportunity is gone. They have shared a home together, worked to protect Russian orphans with special needs from daily abuse, and have been the glue of the communities of which they have been a part. They are highly contributing members of the Maine and global community professionally, personally, and in every other possible way. And now, damn it, their love has been politically invalidated by this vote. Beyond that, they must continue to live as if they are two separate legal entities, unable to share what they have both worked so hard to provide—a safe home for one another as they move toward their elder years.
It isn’t even like it was never affirmed in the first place. It was affirmed by proper process, and now has been removed. Try to understand what that sting is like. If you are a person of color—imagine if the vote in 1965, after the signing of the Civil Rights Act in 1964, were to rescind it again. If you are a woman, imagine losing the vote because the men decided they wanted to take it back. That is a close parallel to what has happened for loving couples in Maine.
Lastly, it saddens me from a personal place. Rich and I had to leave the country in 2004 to have someone recognize our love through the rite of marriage. Fortunately for us, our neighbor to the north, Canada, had progressed enough to offer us that opportunity. The signed marriage certificate hangs proudly on our wall in our family home, surrounded by the pictures of the wonderful family and friends that supported and continue to support us. On another wall is a photographic montage of that incredible day, showing loving and smiling faces supporting us as we stood in tears making our affirmations to one another. To date, there have been no reports of the shattering impact of our love and marriage on heterosexual marriage worldwide. We live our married lives just like our neighbors do. Nobody asks them to come into our home so we can negatively affect what it means for them to be married. Our marriage is as "special" as theirs is, and their lives are truly unaffected by our legal marriage. But, the special rights of marriage have been preserved once again for a select group, and denied to the rest of us.
If I lived in a more civilized country—many of which we look down our noses at from the USA as if they are “third world” (one of our most arrogant snubs, incidentally), our marriage would be validated. But I don’t. I was born here by default. My Canadian mother and my American father happened to live here; it is this culture that taught repeatedly that we are the greatest and most compassionate country in the world. But we can’t seem to muster the fairness either of health care or of marriage. Please pardon my bitterness. Why don’t I move somewhere else? Because reportedly I shouldn’t have to—I believe in the American Dream enough to want my country to grow into it. The vote in Maine is a step away from that—moving backwards.
I thus come from a state where the patriarchal voice of many Churches and where outside influences have once again done their dirty deed. I come from a state where fairness is obviously not a value worth voting for by a slim majority. I come from a state where fear and hatred have spoken shamefully. Very shamefully. And as a dyed in the wool Mainer, that shame feels very real to me—very much like it is somehow cosmically also my own.
One day, someday soon I hope, the United States will pass federal laws in recognition of my love—a love which is indeed a huge part of my very soul. Until then, I must hold dearly to that affirmation for myself. In the interim, I will continue to appreciate those who fought for same gender marriage rights in Maine. There were affirming congregations as well as individuals of many faiths. There thousands of allies who fought for fairness. There were thousands from outside the state who also saw an opportunity to support fairness and gave of their time, money, and energies, including some who will read this. There was a strong minority that voted “No” in an attempt to speak fairly. To all of you, please hear my sincere gratitude.
Nonetheless, the November 3rd vote wounds at a very deep place. But it doesn't just wound the GLBTQ community. It wounds justice. It wounds reason. It wounds inclusion. It wounds diversity. It wounds the entire population--our culture, our world . And the methods used to defeat same gender marriage in Maine mortally wounds any sense of fairness.
If you have GLBTQ friends and our allies affected by this vote in Maine, please extend your genuine condolences. The grief is very real for all of us.
That deeply saddens me from many places.
The first is the simple, painful reminder that patriarchy has not yet died.
In the midst of this debate, the Roman Catholic Church has been actively campaigning for the repeal of this law by fund-raising from “second collections” in its primary worship services and showing DVDs in those same services clearly intended to sway the vote against gay marriage. Rather than a clear separation of Church and State, the Roman Church (as well as many other radically conservative Churches) has used its power to become deeply involved in influencing political outcomes. It does so by using its patriarchal power to essentially order its members to vote and support a vote against a fairer marriage law. Since the Church mediates the grace by which one’s relationship with their God is secured, do as you are told, or there will be eternal consequences. Patriarchal and paternalistic, and sadly, very effective for many. This behavior is an outrage deserving of the rescinding of their tax-exempt status, as Churches and other religious communities are specifically limited from participating in the political process.
The patriarchy may be in its death throes culturally, but it certainly isn't in Maine.
Beyond that, much money and organizational effort came from other states, just as happened in California, to sway the vote in Maine. The patriarchy again focuses its dark power. Rather than letting people decide for themselves what is best for themselves, interest groups have stepped in with lies and deceit such as, “This will lead to teaching about homosexuality in our schools.” The Attorney General of Maine, Janet Mills, stated clearly to the public several weeks ago that this vote would have absolutely no impact on curriculum placed before the children. It would undoubtedly have affected how same gender marriages were represented in the classroom—at least that was my hope. But no formal curriculum would have been altered to teach the topic. Nonetheless, the patriarchal strength of fear and separation (we don’t want “their kind” to get a toe-hold in “our state”) resonated loudly enough to bring forth this sad vote. That is undeniably the voice of patriarchy teaching that if someone is different from us, if some experience is different from our own, there is obvious danger. Patriarchy cannot tolerate differences.
Beyond the power of the patriarchal presence, however, I am even more deeply saddened by the many, many families that this unfair vote impacts. Many of the stories that were told in this campaign were either directly about or represented closely my own friends. I know people who worked long and hard to protect what the Legislature and the Governor courageously put in place, and I know many who would have finally benefitted from the law as it stood. One couple, dear friends of mine, has been together for over 35 years, and has been waiting for the chance to finally protect one another with benefits as they age. That opportunity is gone. They have shared a home together, worked to protect Russian orphans with special needs from daily abuse, and have been the glue of the communities of which they have been a part. They are highly contributing members of the Maine and global community professionally, personally, and in every other possible way. And now, damn it, their love has been politically invalidated by this vote. Beyond that, they must continue to live as if they are two separate legal entities, unable to share what they have both worked so hard to provide—a safe home for one another as they move toward their elder years.
It isn’t even like it was never affirmed in the first place. It was affirmed by proper process, and now has been removed. Try to understand what that sting is like. If you are a person of color—imagine if the vote in 1965, after the signing of the Civil Rights Act in 1964, were to rescind it again. If you are a woman, imagine losing the vote because the men decided they wanted to take it back. That is a close parallel to what has happened for loving couples in Maine.
Lastly, it saddens me from a personal place. Rich and I had to leave the country in 2004 to have someone recognize our love through the rite of marriage. Fortunately for us, our neighbor to the north, Canada, had progressed enough to offer us that opportunity. The signed marriage certificate hangs proudly on our wall in our family home, surrounded by the pictures of the wonderful family and friends that supported and continue to support us. On another wall is a photographic montage of that incredible day, showing loving and smiling faces supporting us as we stood in tears making our affirmations to one another. To date, there have been no reports of the shattering impact of our love and marriage on heterosexual marriage worldwide. We live our married lives just like our neighbors do. Nobody asks them to come into our home so we can negatively affect what it means for them to be married. Our marriage is as "special" as theirs is, and their lives are truly unaffected by our legal marriage. But, the special rights of marriage have been preserved once again for a select group, and denied to the rest of us.
If I lived in a more civilized country—many of which we look down our noses at from the USA as if they are “third world” (one of our most arrogant snubs, incidentally), our marriage would be validated. But I don’t. I was born here by default. My Canadian mother and my American father happened to live here; it is this culture that taught repeatedly that we are the greatest and most compassionate country in the world. But we can’t seem to muster the fairness either of health care or of marriage. Please pardon my bitterness. Why don’t I move somewhere else? Because reportedly I shouldn’t have to—I believe in the American Dream enough to want my country to grow into it. The vote in Maine is a step away from that—moving backwards.
I thus come from a state where the patriarchal voice of many Churches and where outside influences have once again done their dirty deed. I come from a state where fairness is obviously not a value worth voting for by a slim majority. I come from a state where fear and hatred have spoken shamefully. Very shamefully. And as a dyed in the wool Mainer, that shame feels very real to me—very much like it is somehow cosmically also my own.
One day, someday soon I hope, the United States will pass federal laws in recognition of my love—a love which is indeed a huge part of my very soul. Until then, I must hold dearly to that affirmation for myself. In the interim, I will continue to appreciate those who fought for same gender marriage rights in Maine. There were affirming congregations as well as individuals of many faiths. There thousands of allies who fought for fairness. There were thousands from outside the state who also saw an opportunity to support fairness and gave of their time, money, and energies, including some who will read this. There was a strong minority that voted “No” in an attempt to speak fairly. To all of you, please hear my sincere gratitude.
Nonetheless, the November 3rd vote wounds at a very deep place. But it doesn't just wound the GLBTQ community. It wounds justice. It wounds reason. It wounds inclusion. It wounds diversity. It wounds the entire population--our culture, our world . And the methods used to defeat same gender marriage in Maine mortally wounds any sense of fairness.
If you have GLBTQ friends and our allies affected by this vote in Maine, please extend your genuine condolences. The grief is very real for all of us.
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Comment by Tom Stempel on November 5, 2009 at 3:21am - Bill, I feel your pain and understand your frustration. This country in multiple ways is behind the rest of the world. BUT - I look at the vote and say it carried by only 53%. THAT is major advancement that barely more than half of those voting were against it. All of the polls show that gay marriage is a non-issue with the younger generations. I view this vote as a reflection of the older generations (the ones who vote) with their ingrained prejudices. Pundits have repeatedly said we are pushing this issue too soon for the culture to accept it. Cultural progress can be excruciatingly slow. But change is happening. Acceptance is happening. Openly gay individuals are elected to office even in conservative states. Gays are out in film and tv. It is not unusual to see gay people and couples as a normal part of a tv show or movie. In another ten to twenty years we will look back on these days saying what the hell were we doing, just as we now do with integration, inter-racial marriage and women's rights. Be frustrated and angry, but use that energy to keep working toward a more just country where civil rights are available for everyone. We will prevail.
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Comment by Bill Gordon on November 5, 2009 at 4:25am - Thank you, Tom. I know your wisdom here, even though today it is hard for me to hear. I have been out for sixteen years--what feels like a lifetime for me. To speak of ten or twenty years is challenging. I, too, believe we will get there. In the interim, however, good people are being hurt everyday. In these kinds of votes, we continue to send messages to people of every generation to stay "in the closet". I have lived there, and it is torturous. Yes, I will continue to press forward with every bit of who I am. Thank you for your voice of reason as I experience my emotional response to this event.
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Comment by Tammie Fowles on November 10, 2009 at 1:25am - Oh Bill. As a fellow Mainer, I'm heart broken.
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Comment by Rebecca Nunley on November 12, 2009 at 1:10pm - Dear Bill, I am moved by your response. You have spoken the pain that many still can not even share. It is your voice that gives me hope. Your commitment to bring justice to our broken world - I walked the trails at Lutheridge last week and thought of the JOY you so freely share with those in your world. I am glad you are here, grateful for your articulate thoughtful protest, and put my faith in the love that binds us together. Namaste.
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Comment by Bill Gordon on November 12, 2009 at 3:03pm
- Thank you, Rebecca, for you always kind words. As you see from above this writing, I am not alone in that pain, nor in the fight to bring forth some semblance of justice. I am not able to bear the thought of not having valued friends on this journey such as yourself and others. I, too, try to keep my hopes and what faith I have in the the love you describe. Some days I am better at it than others, I guess. Thanks again for your kind thoughts!
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Comment by Bill Gordon on November 12, 2009 at 3:05pm
- Tammie, I would have been just as happy if we could all have been bound together in celebration rather than broken hearts. Keep up the good fight in a great state. Thank you for holding that vision!
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Comment by J. Melvin (Mel) Bricker on November 19, 2009 at 6:27am -
Amen & Amen! to your blog Bill. You are so gifted in articulating the core issues and the deep places in the heart affected by this vote.
Paul and I were legally married in California in August 2008. We called it a "Renewal of Vows and Celebration of Marriage" as we had celebrated a service of Holy Union in 1998. The friends who joined us were so supportive and affirming. Several straight friends have often told us how much they have learned from the beauty of love they sense in our relationship.
Afterward, I was joyful and also sad. We know there are others like us in similar relationships who do not now have the opportunity to be legally married in California. Fortunately, the Supreme Court did rule that our marriage is still valid.
Saying that gay marriages are somehow less valid and a threat to traditional values is nonsensical to me from my own experience. Before accepting that I am gay, I was married to a wonderful woman for 32 years. There was no reason for us to be divorced except that I am gay and could not live what I am not any longer. As I contemplate my marriage to Sue and my marriage to Paul, I do not see any difference in the quality of relationship as a whole. In many ways my marriage to Paul is very supportive of the larger community in the sense that I can participate in the larger community with more honesty and zest for life.
Frankly, I am a better partner with Paul in some ways than I was with Sue. As I look back I can see that, althought were quite close and were torn apart by thinking of divorcing, there were times I would keep her at a distance because I was fearful of the intimacy in a straight relationship. That fear was of being swallowed up because I could not express my authentic self. So, I feel that I am able make additional contributions to the larger community by being in a relationships which is able to be open to the fullness of what I can share.
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